Day 16: My Biggest Accomplishment - 31 Day Blog Challenge

I am happy and I have never felt fulfilled or at peace in my life as much as I do now. I do feelings big and My feelings are often like riding a rollercoaster. I take happy to its' extremes and I hit those lows real hard so its always been a struggle for me to find balance somewhere in there. My emotions aren't out of control at all, they just get very extreme. I like to fully feel things to understand them. I'm a feeler (and a Scorpio) and that's okay. But finding that balance after over coming the biggest struggle and the most intense mix of emotions in my life so far, finding happiness, is my biggest accomplishment.

The biggest test for me in my life came the day my daughter was born. Up until that day I felt blissful and hopeful and I felt like pure happiness was finally within reach. I felt like my life was finally falling into place. And then one morning I woke up to my water breaking a full 5 weeks early. From that moment on I felt as though the rug was ripped out from underneath me when my textbook pregnancy turned into textbook prematurity. And my life turned into an uphill battle from there full of bittersweet moments and just fighting to clear hurtle after hurtle that was thrown in front of us.

On the outside I was strong, supportive, resilient, optimistic, and cautious about the whole ordeal. But on the inside I was in a state of constant and complete shock, I was depressed, I was scared, I was sad and the worst part of it all was that I felt so guilty and embarrassed about the whole situation. I constantly felt like I was being judged and I felt like it was my fault that my daughter was born this way. Mom guilt is a terrible thing.

By my daughter's first birthday I was finally beginning to feel like I could breathe again, like things were finally ok. Her prognosis was hopeful with only a few minor complications to look out for as she continued to grow and kick prematurity to the curb. But right when I finally took that breath, my world collapsed on me again. My relationship with her biological father came to a screeching halt which became a long drawn out year-long (maybe more) process as I learned to find my footing as a single, former stay-at-home, mother.

I became so overwhelmed with stress and everyone's expectations of me that I let myself feel defeated even though I wasn't. I was just so tired of overcoming and looking on the brighter side of things, it was so exhausting. But I still went out and did what I needed to do, moved out, got a job, swallowed my pride and got on with life. On my first day at my new job (which I also refer to as the first day of the rest of my life), my now husband came back into my life.

I don't know where I'd be today without him. He isn't my "savior" but he is my constant and patient companion. He's not the key to my happiness but he's stood there by my side on my quest for true happiness. He's not my red velvet cake but he's definitely the cream cheese icing on top. I'm very independent and he respects that enough to let me do life on my terms and figure things out in my own way.

Life is full of constant "tests" and battles but I was letting all of this overshadow those moments of pure joy that were sprinkled in. I was letting the stress take over and it caused me to become scared of actually living. And then I read this quote and realized I was the one holding myself back:

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. Love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.  If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy. They just promised it would be worth it." ~Unknown

Reading that quote was like a slap in the face, "duh!" moment. I was taking too much for granted and giving too much power to the wrong feelings or people. And I was wallowing. I didn't wallow when my daughter was sick so why was I doing it now? Everyone goes through such battles like this. So many people out there have been through far worse that I have. But the one thing we all have in common is the realization that giving up or giving in is so easy, yet having the power to never actually give in as you continue to plow through the mess while believing that a sunny day deserves to be in your future. Not losing hope is the biggest achievement when we feel like we've been through hell.

But don't feel bad for me because I did a lot of selfish self loathing and wallowing because I was allowing myself to feel the less than perfect things BIG. But because of this I learned and taught myself with the help of my family,  how to be happy. And being happy is my biggest accomplishment yet.

"If you correct your mind, the rest of your life will fall into place." ~Lao Tzu

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Are you keeping up with the challenge? Head over to Fabulous Finds by Tiffany to link up and read about what other bloggers are writing about their biggest accomplishments. Or you can check out my past Blog Challenge posts here:

• Day 1: 5 Random Facts
• Day 2: Favorite Quote
• Day 3: What Makes You Happy?
• Day 4: Best Childhood Memory
• Day 5: Favorite Movies You Never Get Sick of Watching
• Day 6: Your Last Random Act of Kindness
• Day 7: My Dream Job
• Day 8: Pet Peeves
• Day 9: What’s on your Bucket List or Life List?
• Day 10: My Daily Routine
• Day 11: The Last Book(s) I’ve Read
• Day 12: Something I Miss
• Day 13: Do You Have Regret?
• Day 14: What's on Your iPod?
• Day 15: 10 Things That Make Me Awesome